Go the Frick to Sleep
by difficile
Summary: “I beg your pardon? Would you care for a kick in the groin?” Balthier asked, and Vaan flinched at the thought. Sharing a bed with Balthier wasn't fun; Basch could agree with that - when would they shut up? Maybe some blackmail would do 'em some good.


**_A/N: I am inspired by the weirdest things sometimes. /sigh/ I incoporated a bit of my own experiences with sleepovers in this fic. Hope you find it amusing._**

**_Review._**

**_I don't own Final Fantasy XII. If I did, well... Yeah._**

* * *

**Go the Fuck to Sleep**

**(oo2: Complicated)**

* * *

"Move over."

"Me? You have like, two feet of mattress there!"

"Don't argue with me."

"Don't be such a wuss – _hey_! Share the covers!"

"If sharing is caring, get your own damn sheets."

An irritated sigh followed the comment, and all was quiet for a just a _precious_ minute in the Rabanastran inn before a thud echoed through the room and a begrudged sky pirate lay on the floor.

"Dammit, Vaan!"

Laughter ensued from the young blonde aggressor, and Basch ran a hand down the front of his face as he resisted the urge to sigh for the umpteenth time. It was nearly one in the morning and the whole party was thoroughly exhausted from a day dedicated to hunts, and no one was in a good mood to do anything but rest. Especially Basch.

The words of the princess replayed through the ex-captain's mind and he rolled his eyes most uncharacteristically.

_"To save gil and keep a low profile, we should each split three to a room. One in each group will have to sleep on the floor, but I assume you men will be fine with that."_

Of course, once actually _in_ the small room with just a twin bed, Balthier and Vaan began their bickering.

_"I'll be taking the bed," Balthier had stated._

_"Guess we'll be sharing, then," Vaan replied._

_"Pardon me?"_

_"I did a lot of work on that hunt, and I want a bed to sleep in."_

_"Please cue me on the part where I'm supposed to care."_

_"Uh, **now**."_

_"…You're a poor director, Vaan."_

_"And you're a sucky actor."_

_"… I'll be taking the bed."_

_"You can have the right side."_

_"And the left."_

_"No, the left is mine."_

_"Why not the right?"_

_"BALTHIER, WHAT THE HELL."_

_"Profanity will get you nowhere."_

_"…Not even on the bed?"_

_" 'Fraid not."_

_"Maybe Basch can help us decide."_

And try as Basch did to get himself out of the situation, he eventually ended up suggesting that they sleep with a pillow between them to mediate the two. Vaan thought the idea was fine, and with a miffed look, Balthier conceded to the idea as well.

…That was about an hour ago. Basch was perfectly content sleeping on the hardwood floor with a poorly stuffed pillow and thin blanket.

However, the two brats on the mattress (well, only one now, considering Vaan's little idea of kicking Balthier off) with the comforter were far from so, even after sixty minutes of pointless bickering. The older man's patience was growing thin, and that was saying a lot. He needed sleep.

"I see you cared to join me," Basch stated in the dark room as he turned to Balthier, and faintly he could detect by the moonlight pouring through the thin curtain the death-glare sent his way by the sky pirate.

"Not for long, I'm afraid. The floor is no place for a leading man," and with that Balthier stood from the hardwood floor and set himself on the bed again.

Basch sighed quietly. _Three, two, one…_

"AGH! That was my _spine_!" Vaan yelped, and Basch flinched as he heard the sound of a foot against the other blonde's back.

"Good. Are you paralyzed yet?"

"_Stop bickering_!" Basch finally growled, and the room suddenly fell into a silence before Vaan whispered,

"I hope Penelo doesn't have to put up with this."

"No girls could ever be as catty as you two," Basch intervened, and Balthier let out a snort.

"Hush, Vaan. Our dear captain must get his twenty-three hours of beauty sleep."

Basch sat up from his makeshift bed and propped himself up on his elbows. "Oh, so now the tables are turned?"

"What ever gave you that implication?"

"…Go to sleep, Balthier."

"Yeah, Balthier. Shut up and go to sleep," Vaan barked, but his voice was laced with sarcasm, and Basch felt himself being ganged up on by the two younger males.

"I don't take orders well."

"I've _noticed_," Basch muttered, turning the other way and having his back face the bed.

"I say we gag him, Basch," Vaan whispered, and Balthier kicked him again, this time in the gut.

"What is your _problem_?" Vaan gasped, curling into a ball on the bed and holding his stomach tightly, trying to regain his lost wind.

"A sky pirate and his apprentice should learn to live in close proximity of each other," Basch stated, and immediately he heard Balthier's muffled reply from the pillow.

"_He's not my apprentice_!"

"Balthier would suck at teaching."

"You're horrible at learning."

"Both of you share the same lack of enthusiasm to learn – especially when it comes to manners and nightly etiquette."

Silence.

"…Balthier started it," Vaan murmured, still rubbing his stomach.

"I beg your pardon? Would you care for a kick in the groin?"

"You compensate worse than Al-Cid does."

"…_That does it, Vaan_." Balthier seethed, coming to life on the bed and grabbing the flaxen locks of his mattress-buddy.

"Ah! _Balthier_! Let go!"

"Take it back and maybe I'll think about considering such a request."

"No!" Vaan cringed, wondering why he was laughing even when Balthier's grip tightened. "Seems…I…struck a… nerve!" the blonde managed to croak as Balthier yanked his head upwards and then back down on the mattress repeatedly.

"Next time it's the headboard, boy," the brunette threatened, holding Vaan back up by the hair.

"Do it. I dare you."

"Feisty, aren't we?"

"You love it."

"Both of you, _stop_!" Basch almost yelled, slapping his forehead in frustration and acting upon impulse, grabbing his broadsword lying by his makeshift bed. He unsheathed it loudly after standing up, and the two bickering young men, both holding onto each other in a most hostile fashion, froze.

"Go. To. Sleep. Now," the vexed captain stated, feeling Balthier's apathetic gaze and Vaan's confused look. Balthier complied only after he turned Vaan around and kneed him again in the gut one last time, falling back to his side of the bed once a satisfying yet painful grunt was heard from the younger boy.

The two young men on the bed fell into a long silence, the only sound being Vaan's ragged breathing as he tried to recover from the kick and attempting to keep himself from strangling the sky pirate adjacent to him. Basch stood there a minute, realizing Balthier's eyes were on him, before the sky pirate muttered an obscenity and tucked his head under the sheet.

Giving the two lumps on the bed one final look, Basch sheathed his sword and placed it by his pillow before settling down. He was still for a minute, anticipating another outbreak from either of the two. But when no such thing happened, the scarred man finally found solace and fell asleep.

--

Being a man who rose with the dawn, Basch awoke rather early that morning. The sun's rays that were just beginning to show themselves barely peeked through the thin curtain and into the room, and blinking the sleep from his eyes, the captain quietly changed into his clothes before turning to the surprisingly silent twin bed.

A blonde brow rose slightly as he laid eyes on the sky pirate and thief, noting that the comforter must have been fought over in their unconsciousness before eventually being thrown to the floor, leaving both shirtless boys in the cold room without covers. A minuscule grin stretched on Basch's lips as he neared the two, highly amused at their use of a substitute for the loss of warmth.

Both slumbering males were pressed against each other, Vaan curled into a ball and his head leaning against Balthier's, while the brunette's own arm ended up slumped over the blonde; his fingers were barely gripping the edge of the comforter that was mostly on the hardwood floor.

It was easy to tell that they were both out stone cold, for their breathing was deep and rhythmic, their chests moving in unison as they both slept peacefully.

Basch couldn't wait until they woke up; their expressions would be priceless – however, he had another plan in mind until that happened. With the skilled silence of an army captain, he snuck from the room and returned moments later with a small, disposable camera that he invested in at the inn's store.

Winding it and making sure the flash was off, Basch took several pictures, grinning all the while. No harm in innocent blackmail, right?

Right.

One thing was for sure; after these pictures are developed, Basch was going to have quite a time coaching those two around.

And next time, they'd be on the floor.


End file.
